Catatonic

It is a condition of being apparently awake but unresponsive.

Yup. That's what I'm feeling right now. I'm awake and emotionally unresponsive. Ugh.

I took an early walk at the park this morning. It was supposed to be an early jog but I was too lazy to tire my muscles so I opted to just walk. I really loved the morning air (although it's gonna give me colds later on) and the sight of people walking round and round, children playing... Hay. It reminded me of what this old man (from the writing workshop I recently attended) told me. He told me that I should stop seeing things in an optimist's pov. He said that I should complicate my life and look for flaws that this world have. It was because I wrote something (which was based from experience) about my trip from school (Manila) to my house (in Las Pinas). I described the sights I saw during my trip. I was just merely relating what I felt and I was really elated at that time. I mean what's wrong with having an illusion? Maybe thinking that the sunset at Roxas Blvd is beautiful means a big joke for realists but not for hopeful people like me. He (the old man) even described me as a "child who's having a field trip." Is it bad for someone to just go back and experience the world in a child or in an optimist's view? Hay. I don't know. Maybe I really do think that life is that wonderful. Maybe I am immature because I still see the world as a fun place. Maybe I really need to complicate things. Or maybe I should wake up and smell the coffee. Reality...

That's why I'm in this catatonic state. I'm confused. I don't know my purpose. I don't know what to feel. I don't know if the decisions I made are leading me to the right path. But what is the right path for me? Hay. So many questions... I need someone with answers. In less than a month, I'll be turning 20 and these questions still exist. I'm a person with no purpose. Maybe i'm still stuck with the past. I never got out of my child state. Hay. Still innocent with life's complexities.

I'm really sorry if this post came so strong. I really need help.