My thoughts

It's exactly four months since you and I parted ways. I should be happy because I triumphed in making you think that I'm a nobody, that you'd be better off with someone better. But why..? Bakit hindi pa din ako masaya? Despite the fact that I led you in finding the right girl, why am I still hurting this bad?

I pushed you as far away as possible. I always made things up so you would be angry at me. Pero alam mo kung ano yung totoo ha?

I didn't love somebody else when we were still together. There was no other guy but you. You were my life, my all, my everything.
I'd sit on the bus and think about you all the time. Reminiscing how you looked, how you smiled and how you laughed. I loved every part of you.
I loved how you look, dahil para sa akin ikaw yung pinakagwapo, walang dapat baguhin, walang dapat pagandahin. You were perfect thw way you are.

And I? I went to school simple. I didn't like dressing up nor being kikay. I didn't like make-up and I was no makati girl. For short, di ako stand-out beauty. I was a normal and ordinary girl who enjoyed simple pleasures in life.

I didn't like going to bars and partying. I enjoyed the solace of my bedroom, devouring every book, magazine, pamphlet there was in my house. I liked looking on the beauty of ordinary life. I would sit for hours in a bus stop, thinking. I didn't make friends with high-end people, instead, old people in buses who talked about life were my companion. Movies were my past time, and pouring my guts (singing in videoke) out in G-box (Robinson's) were the only things I considered as my "social life."

We're different in every way possible. I liked having a simple life. There's beauty in simplicity yun yung asa isip ko. While you enjoyed going out, club hopping, I enjoyed walks in the park and foreign films with english subtitles.

That's why I pushed you away. Nobody likes a girl with a hippie lifestyle. Hindi ka magiging masaya sa akin.

But I was goddamn wrong.

I never thought somebody would take notice of my existence. I was blinded by my insecurities.

And I was never surprised when you found her. She's everything that I'm not! She's rich, fabolous, and have a glamorous lifestyle. She loves going out, shopping, lahat! Unlike me, she expresses her love for you.

So. Despite everything, bakit nasasaktan pa din ako? Due to regrets maybe.

That if I had just believed that you loved me for who I am, sana...

We'd still be sharing this one sunny day together doing nothing but saying sweet nothings to each other. Watching MTV and laugh at jologs and corny programs. I'd be having dinner at your house, and we'll be spending time with your family and mine on weekends. We're gonna hear mass together. Hold hands. Kiss. Hindi kailangan gumastos. Just be with each other.

Endless thoughts. I'd be spending my whole life wondering. It's enough punishment for me to be in a whirlwind of confusing emotions and forever playback of what if, what if, what if....

I love you so much.

And I may not love somebody for a while.

I am so numb.

Devoid of feelings.

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You asked me: "Wat if I die?"

You know what I'll feel?

One Sweet Day.......